


The Reversal of Two Wands

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-10
Updated: 2010-04-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 15:55:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/712464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My current place is one of patience and of waiting. Nothing lies on this road before me except the present absence of clarity. It's a nice day outside, one that drifts from the cusp of warmth to the very tip of chilly, but never fades beyond that. Even as the wind picks up with the coming of nightfall, I still sit, unmoving, unblinking, as I stare out into nothingness. There is peace just outside of my grasp, the answer to all that I seek. But I cannot reach far enough, cannot find enough insight to see what is right in front of me, though I am aware of its very presence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Reversal of Two Wands

**Author's Note:**

> Beta Readers: gothic_hime, kawaiikyo, rapturouspurple  
> Song[s]: " Immaculate Crucifixion" by Juno Reactor

Kyo POV

My current place is one of patience and of waiting. Nothing lies on this road before me except an absence of clarity. It's a nice day outside, one that drifts from the cusp of warmth to the very tip of chilly, but never fades beyond that. Even as the wind picks up with the coming of nightfall, I still sit, unmoving, unblinking, as I stare out into nothingness. There is peace just outside of my grasp, the answer to all that I seek. But I cannot reach far enough, cannot find enough insight to see what is right in front of me, though I am aware of its presence.

The shrill cry of a bird pulls me from my absence, returns me safely tucked within my own faculties. I allow a sigh of resignation to find its way beyond the walls of my lips as I raise myself to my feet, dust off the seat of my jeans, and turn away from my place of solitude and wishful thinking.

My steps carry me to the front of a certain someone's building and there I pause, gazing up at what I know to be his window. Quietly, I light one of my cigarettes - a sin I should not be committing - and debate. If I show up unannounced, I could very well disturb something I do not wish to. But, on the other hand, if I call him and then show up mere minutes later, he'll wonder. The wind picks up even more, pulling the smoke from my cigarette away with it, passing it beyond the grasp of my clothing. Mother Nature earns a smirk from me for that one.

A few minutes slip by and finally I allow the dying embers of my tobacco stick to fall to the ground, crushing it out under the sole of my shoe. I'll take my chances... potentially subject myself to what I have in the past, if only to get a glimpse of him in his most natural of moments. There's always a startled clarity on his face when I show up unannounced, one that makes it clear he's pleased to see me but shocked that I came all the way out to visit him all the same. It's moments like those that I cherish because it's then that I know he's never lying when he says he likes my presence.

I look up from contemplating my moving feet and find myself at his door. A path so sweetly memorized that I could carry myself there blindfolded. I raise one tattooed hand, curling my fingers away safely and then rap on the door three times in quick succession. A moment later that hand is at my side, fingers tapping lightly against my own thigh. It's almost two minutes before the door opens and Kaoru stands in front of me, looking utterly confused.

Upon second glance, I notice the dark hollows under his eyes, the sagging of clothing worn for too many days on end, and the scruff that has started to appear on parts of his face that are usually meticulously clean-shaven. Stress.... I can see it written on everything about him as clear as if the words were painted in carefully lined calligraphy across his entire body.

When he lets me in, I watch him silently, presenting no reason why I am here and no call of anything that I want from him. I leave my shoes behind at the entryway and help myself to a soda from his fridge. The way he simply closes the door and goes straight to the living room tells me he doesn't mind my ways, knows them well enough to not question. I follow, only a few moments behind him, sinking down on the other side of his large, comfortable couch. It's seen better days but it's worn in all the right ways and he refuses to get rid of it every time Toshiya brings it up when he's over. It never seems to fail. Certain comments will never stop coming from the bassist's mouth, just as certain actions will never stop coming from me. We've all grown used to it... accepting of it.

My attention shifts outward again and I watch Kaoru as he types away at something for a good half an hour. The accent of the space bar being pushed down forcefully tells me he's angry. His body doesn't radiate the anger, but it's there, boiling under the surface like a ticking time bomb that will eventually go off in the form of a heart attack or a stroke. It's one thing I've come to settle on as a fact. He lets it stew too much... too long... and it won't end well. Things of such a nature never do.

He hits a few things on the screen with his mouse and then slams the laptop shut, actually making me jump. A sound of utter irritation leaves him and I stare at him in confusion for a moment before placing my soda on the table and scooting cautiously closer to him. "Kaoru?"

The look he turns on me is one that takes my breath away. It's laced with so many emotions that I have trouble sorting them out: confusion, anxiety, anger.... After a moment, he looks away from me and fumbles to light up a cigarette. I give him a few minutes, give him time to get himself back together before I push. When his shoulders slump, a clear signal of his defeat, I shift close enough to reach out and rub at his back gently. "What is it?"

"Everything," he mumbles around that white stick. For a long moment, I think he won't continue, that that will be my only clue. But then he sighs and buries his face in one hand. "I'm losing faith, Kyo. Every time I see what we've put together or what management has thrown out into the world as a creation of our own, I lose just a little bit more. Our path... it's convoluted rather than clear. Our goals have all been met and exceeded. There's nowhere else to go except down."

And just like that, it's all startlingly clear to me. I pull back from him and stare at him like he's lost his damn mind. "Get your sorry ass up. Take a shower, shave that terrible scruff off your face, and get properly dressed. Twenty minutes and we're leaving." My voice holds no room for argument whatsoever and he must notice that because he just stares at me for half a minute and then gets up and heads for the bathroom.

Ridiculous... this is incredibly freaking ridiculous. No path? No goals? Talk about walking around with blinders on. How can he not see all the good that we do in one day? Some small part of me is appalled. If I can see it - me of all people - and he cannot, what is wrong in the world? A million things... or maybe a million and one with Kaoru added to the list.

Mentally, I begin to compile a list of what I will show him, what I will teach him tonight. The first will be the train station in Shibuya where they put up an announcement of our newest single on a pillar. It seems to be the place to start.

When Kaoru chooses to rejoin me, I stand and without a word, lead him from his home. He doesn't ask where we're going, just follows me as though he's used to doing so. Maybe he is... maybe it's been like this for a while now and I just haven't given it the consideration it deserved until now. I think about it, about how he defaults to me and to what I want to do, where I want to go with something artistically. Faith... such a fragile creature... tender and oblivious until it's too late and everything has been crushed.

By the time we're on the platform at the station, he just looks confused. I lead him out of the way and lean against a wall. One slender finger points to our poster. "Watch." I crouch down, my eyes on the pillar, waiting on the next train to arrive and more people to filter from inside the metal beasts. It's only a few minutes before people pour into the station. One group of girls stop and point at the poster, all of them talking animatedly about us and about how excited they are to get a new taste of our music. They move on quickly, but the sounds of their conversation follow them, not ending just because the pillar is out of sight. A lone boy pauses and snaps a picture of the pillar and unwittingly of us. A surprise when he gets home if he ever notices. The process seems to repeat itself over and over with each new batch of arrivals to the station, a never-ending stream of people who are willing to speak at length about us and about our music. Some of the things said are not so nice, but in each case it's obviously worthy enough of their attention and their conversation. Even negative attention is something that means we're doing our job. The world doesn't go around without the good and the bad.

Eventually, I stand up, touching Kaoru's shoulder briefly and then leading him back the way we'd come. Still, we don't talk. But this time I can feel his thoughts circulating, see the way he stands up a little straighter. The ghost of a smile filters across my features, there and then gone. I've set the wheels into motion and shown him only one portion of what keeps me going every single day. Our message is getting across - liked or not - and that's all that has really ever mattered. If one simple thing, one pointless advertisement posted by our management, can garner that amount of discussion... then the end is further from sight than perhaps Kaoru thinks it to be.

Quietly, we make our way back to his apartment, not talking and never pausing. I notice the stares, the glances of recognition as we walk along and every once in a while I give a tiny part of myself back, looking up to meet eyes for a fleeting second with someone who at least recognizes us superficially. By the time we're back at his place, I'm filled with anticipation. I want to know how he saw it, what he thought.

Sinking down onto his couch, I splay my legs over it and grin at him. "So?"

His eyes meet mine and he shakes his head a little. There's a depth to them that wasn't there before, a renewed spark of hope. "So many people noticed."

I nod once and then throw my head back and laugh. "Blind."

He snorts and tosses one of his coasters at me. But when I look up and toss it back in his direction, he just smiles at me and catches it. It gets tossed to the table and then he spreads himself out on the couch, too, blindly staring at the television for a while despite it not even being on.

I let him sit there like that for about twenty minutes before I clear my throat, forcing him to look at me. "Are you done with your little fit?"

He gives me a sheepish look and then nods, running one hand through his hair and sighing. "Yeah... I am. I just wasn't looking at the full picture."

A little smirk pulls at the corners of my lips. "You never have." He falls silent again and I allow my head to tilt back, my eyes staring distantly at the ceiling over my head. A few rough sighs pull from my throat and then I allow my eyelids to drift shut, the fog of sleep starting to slide down over me.

"Go home, Kyo." I sigh, lifting myself up, off of his couch, and passing in front of him, pausing to give him a pointed look, one I've given him a million times before. He stares at me just as clueless as ever.

As I leave, the door clicking shut behind me, I realize that just as smoothly as we had reversed our positions, the handle is back in his hand and the blade in my own. Smirking, I leave him behind, one step closer to that goal of my own and one step further from oblivion.

**The End**  



End file.
